Damn its aggravating sometimes!
Sometimes when LD's and I are apart for a while,.. she gets all .... weird. Distant. Mean. Upset. And I hate it. I want to be with her. I express my love to her. I tell her I'm always thinking of her. And yet, when we're apart,.. she sometimes says things that are really hurtful. Maybe its me. Maybe I say hurtful things without knowing it. But I honestly don't think I deserve the grief she sometimes gives me. Like today.
Today makes a week and a half we haven't seen each other. She saw a picture of me and the future ex along with some other people. She gave me all kinds of hell about it. She said I looked happy. She said I was smiling (like ya do in a picture). Well, I didn't mean for it to be spiteful or hateful, and I didn't want to rub it in her face either. But she got mean, and acted like I DID mean for it to be hateful. It certainly wasn't my intent. She sent me a picture of her and her husband on the beach together. Just the two of them. =/
So later in the discussion she asked me to go to lunch tomorrow. I said I couldn't. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought I could probably come up with a way to make it happen. I thought about it a while. I spoke to the future ex, came up with a way to make it possible so I could see the one woman I love, and so I asked her if she still wanted to see me for lunch. She said, "I guess." I know she's confused as to why I changed my mind. But the reality of it is,... I never changed my mind about WANTING to go to lunch with her. THAT is an automatic YES. I just figured a way out to make it happen, and that took a while is all. But she got pouty, angry, confused, and mean.
But I know LD's thinks I'm lying to her about it. Now she's not even speaking to me. I hate that. Damnit, I'm not fucking lying, not to HER. I love Lustdemoness more than anything, and yet, every time there's a delay or a small mishap in our communication, she assumes the worst. She thinks I'm lying. And that drives me crazy. the ONE woman in this world I wouldn't lie to, is her. I love her too much for it. I guess she just doesn't see that yet. :(
Another thing that has been bugging me lately is,.. her new boss. I've never really been the jealous type, well, not since my high school years. But I am a bit jealous of her new boss. He's a younger guy, kinda hip. She said once that she's attracted to him, even though now she says she never said that. She says things sometimes, seemingly just to hurt me, like,.. when I said I couldn't do lunch tomorrow, she replied, Well I guess I'll just go to lunch with (him). She knows I'm jealous of this guy. Why would she say that to me? Is it a game? Does she think its fun to make me squirm? Well what it does is, it hurts my feelings. It isn't my fault that I had something else planned.
Sometimes I just don't know, and can't tell where I stand in her life. I try, I honestly TRY to make it extremely clear that she's all that means anything in my life. I know she has kids that rightfully will come before me. But other than them,.. its hard to tell sometimes just because of what she says to me.
Like I said though, sometimes maybe its me. Maybe I say things that make her strike back, but I hope not. I don't think anything I say to her is that bad. *shrug* Its quite frustrating at times. And yet, despite all that, I love her more than anything. Not because of it though. Just,... because.
Today makes a week and a half we haven't seen each other. She saw a picture of me and the future ex along with some other people. She gave me all kinds of hell about it. She said I looked happy. She said I was smiling (like ya do in a picture). Well, I didn't mean for it to be spiteful or hateful, and I didn't want to rub it in her face either. But she got mean, and acted like I DID mean for it to be hateful. It certainly wasn't my intent. She sent me a picture of her and her husband on the beach together. Just the two of them. =/
So later in the discussion she asked me to go to lunch tomorrow. I said I couldn't. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought I could probably come up with a way to make it happen. I thought about it a while. I spoke to the future ex, came up with a way to make it possible so I could see the one woman I love, and so I asked her if she still wanted to see me for lunch. She said, "I guess." I know she's confused as to why I changed my mind. But the reality of it is,... I never changed my mind about WANTING to go to lunch with her. THAT is an automatic YES. I just figured a way out to make it happen, and that took a while is all. But she got pouty, angry, confused, and mean.
But I know LD's thinks I'm lying to her about it. Now she's not even speaking to me. I hate that. Damnit, I'm not fucking lying, not to HER. I love Lustdemoness more than anything, and yet, every time there's a delay or a small mishap in our communication, she assumes the worst. She thinks I'm lying. And that drives me crazy. the ONE woman in this world I wouldn't lie to, is her. I love her too much for it. I guess she just doesn't see that yet. :(
Another thing that has been bugging me lately is,.. her new boss. I've never really been the jealous type, well, not since my high school years. But I am a bit jealous of her new boss. He's a younger guy, kinda hip. She said once that she's attracted to him, even though now she says she never said that. She says things sometimes, seemingly just to hurt me, like,.. when I said I couldn't do lunch tomorrow, she replied, Well I guess I'll just go to lunch with (him). She knows I'm jealous of this guy. Why would she say that to me? Is it a game? Does she think its fun to make me squirm? Well what it does is, it hurts my feelings. It isn't my fault that I had something else planned.
Sometimes I just don't know, and can't tell where I stand in her life. I try, I honestly TRY to make it extremely clear that she's all that means anything in my life. I know she has kids that rightfully will come before me. But other than them,.. its hard to tell sometimes just because of what she says to me.
Like I said though, sometimes maybe its me. Maybe I say things that make her strike back, but I hope not. I don't think anything I say to her is that bad. *shrug* Its quite frustrating at times. And yet, despite all that, I love her more than anything. Not because of it though. Just,... because.
posted by C at 4:11 PM
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